Shaman Wanted

Wanted: Shaman to reverse and/or release the hex currently plaguing a bewildered woman in California. Must not light sage in the house as it might cause issues with the smoke detectors. Experience with a positive result preferred. Witch doctors need not apply.

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Someone, somewhere has put a hex on me or is playing with a voodoo doll. Either way, I want it to stop.

Now.

So, first we had the fork tine incident and four stress filled days during which I was convinced doing a sit up would result in a ruptured intestine and fork tine death. Which is why I didn't do any sit ups.

Then, we had the hay wagon injury. My knee and right hip is still bruised, though it's faded to a gorgeous jade.

This weekend, however, saw a rise in hex-related injuries.

On Friday, after running errands, the kids and I decided to grab Thai food. Mouth drooling over the thought of delicious Pad Thai, I sat in the booth and ordered the kids' rice and tofu dish to join my peanut sauce concoction. It was served piping hot. I swirled the noodles on my fork and took a big bite, the flavors of sweet and spicy and salty melding in my mouth with the crunch of sprouts and freshly chopped cabbage. I swallowed and took another bite, chatting with the kids. Looking down, while chewing, I noticed a fat shrimp peeping out from under the noodles.

I immediately spit the bite into my napkin and dug into my purse of the Benedryl I usually keep there. The Benedryl that was no longer in my purse. I called Chad who said he'd be right there and went into the bathroom to rinse out my mouth, already feeling my tongue and lips swell.

Chad arrived with Benedryl in minutes, which I took gratefully. I asked the waitress about the shrimp and she said all of their Pad Thai comes with shrimp unless you request differently. Which I would have known if I'd read the menu rather than blindly ordered my favorite dish.

The two Benedryl did the trick, though it knocked me out for three hours.

On Saturday, I decided to mop the floor. After it was dry, I walked to the pantry and slipped on an especially smooth part. My feet flew from under me sending me crashing to my left hip, hitting my cheekbone against the corner of the fridge.

Tears swelled as I held my cheek, repeating, "Ow ow ow ow ow" while Elizabeth, the darling girl, ran to get a clean washcloth that she drenched with cold water for my face.

I added ice cubes and sat on the couch - the soft, safe couch - and wondered...

What. The. Hell.